Here is the moment that I, a conservative Catholic, stand up as a societal heretic. It could be safely stated that I’ve had it up to there.
This mess all started about 400 years ago, give or take, when the bitter, black anti-Mandragoran known as Coffee reared its head. Since that time, humanity has not known a moment’s peace. Now, mind you, I’m not calling for regression to the days of entire populaces being “zhifas’d” (the pseudo-Francophonic “shitfaced”) from dawn to dusk. No, were it not his addiction to The Bean of Knowledge, J.S. Bach would not have provided Western music with the quantum leap that he did. However, there have been a great many abuses perpetrated upon our race in the name of Coffee, and for my own part, I would like to list a few:
1. The astounding number of wannabes that, for all the nervous energy the Bean lends them, can’t find their way out of the cafes they frequent to do ANYTHING that matters.
2. The even-more-astounding number of wannabe-wannabes that think that Starbuck’s is a real coffeehouse. (to both, I quote Edwyn Newman:”Too many protest singers, not enough protest songs”.
3. Double-decaf-half-caf-grande-vente-capu-spresso-latte and all the yuppies that might actually WANT that.
4. (byproduct of 1.) BAD BAD BAD beatnik poetry readings.
5.Any beatnik anything.
6. “Acoustic” sets. UGH.
7. The blend of Pachouli (sp. hey, obviously, I don’t use it!), roasting beans, purposefully old books and wafts of b.o. .
8. Cups that last all frigging day, usually ending up sitting until YOU throw them out; leaving rings on your furniture.
9. Grounds that make the trash smell even worse.
10. That most hackneyed of preludes to dating (and eventual coitus) , “Wanna get a cup of coffee sometime?”
You see, I drink tea exclusively and I cannot help but wonder how different things might be if tea had been given the proper press; analogous to the usurpation of the throne of rock n’ roll from Johnny Cash by Elvis Presley.
Good Lord. Now I’ve really done it. I’ll bet there’s a lynch mob of over-caffeinated rednecks waiting to take me out.
Well, if I survive, you’ll here from me again soon.